Don’t know why I looked up what happens during a bone marrow biopsy (since I’m getting one on Tuesday) buuuuttttttt they probably would have told me anyways and now I’m extra freaking out about it and ohhhh gooodddddddddddddd #savemybonemarrow2014
I focus too much on how unhappy my veins and I are about the amount of needles they have to meet instead of what good things are happening, no matter how small. I’m talking to more old friends and friends I had lost touch with throughout the year and it puts a smile on my face every time I finally get to talk to the people I wanted to talk to. Thank God. Something is finally going right in my life. Today’s tests are over and my arms hurt but they’re OVER and I couldn’t be more over it myself. At least I get a break this weekend before my bone marrow test on Tuesday. What else? What else? My best friend is coming to visit me in a little less than three weeks all the way from St. Louis, my other best friends come home from college in just two days or so, and I HAVE THIS WEEKEND TO NOT GET POKED WITH ANY MORE NEEDLES. Can you tell that I’m relieved? I think they’re about to run out of veins soon anyways. I’ll have to get a port installed into my arm for the multiple IV’s and what not. Sigh. I’m getting there. Soon enough or something.
All these doctors’ appointments just make me so anxious. A bone marrow test? Really? And they won’t put me out?! Jesus Christ. I never thought I’d have to even hear those words. And I swear if I have to do one more blood test this week I’m going to scream. Chemo should start after next week. Shit. And I’m still sitting here waiting to wake the fuck up.
Figured I’d catch a break somewhere but whenever I say “it could be worse” it gets worse. Got some more results and found out I have non Hodgkins lymphoma. Sigh. Not looking forward to what’s to come—but can’t wait for it to all be over with. God, keep me strong.
So the idea of lymphoma is scary. The word “cancer” is scary enough— no matter how small or how treatable. I wasn’t expecting a different word when preliminary tests came back today. I guess over the past week I’ve just been in shock—or something. Around other people, I can’t help but seem alright. It’s only alone or with my closest friend and or family members that I sometimes cry. I’m terrified of doctors. I always have been. I’m 20 years old and I still can’t even bear the thought of a flu shot. I guess I’ll have to get used to needles since I’ll probably have to start chemotherapy sometime soon. There’s another scary thing. I hate nausea and vomiting…and what if I lose my hair? and how long will it take? and will it be embarrassing? and will there ever be a time where I don’t have any more questions to ask? I guess what I’m trying to say is, I guess it could be worse. This is still going to suck. But it could be way, way worse.